“I just want to feel better now.”
“I miss my old life and that more confident version of myself.”
“I feel like I will be stuck here forever.”
“I keep trying to distract myself, but I can’t stop fixating on my physical symptoms and on my intrusive thoughts.”
I just know that if you are reading this then you resonate with at least one of these.
Before I dive into one of my classic rambles, because trust me, I have lots to say, I first want to take a moment to acknowledge that you are struggling and to validate whatever you may be going through.
Maybe this is something you have not even done on your own, so just take a moment to accept where you are without trying to change it.
Anxiety makes us feel unsettled and uncomfortable, all the time.
In fact, we are so uncomfortable that we spend the majority of our time looking to escape it.
We try to think positive, turn on loud music or have the TV running 24/7.
We drink or over exercise or put on a brave face to convince others, and probably ourselves too, that all is fine.
Maybe you carry on like this for a bit only to inevitably have the feelings of unease overpower whatever distraction methods you have chosen in your quest for some kind of peace and, along with the feelings, those unhelpful thoughts start to come up again.
“I am always anxious.”
“I am never going to get better.”
“I am sick of this.”
This is you accepting that this is your reality and making anxiety your identity.
The more you allow these thoughts to control you, the more your brain will keep feeding them to you.
Note that I didn’t say the more you allow these thoughts to come up, because they will come up and your job is not to stop them, because that just isn’t possible. We cannot control the thoughts that come up, but we can control our response to them.
And no, you don’t have to try and transform your negative thoughts into positive ones, because I know how hard this can be when you are in a bad spiral. This is only adding more pressure and making you feel bad when you can’t seem to do it.
Maybe you try to transform it, but the negative feeling is still lurking behind the positive thought, if that makes sense.
So what do you do?
Well, this is where things may get uncomfortable, but it is temporary.
Plus you have been dealing with discomfort for so long, what’s a little more if it’s going to help you actually move forward, maybe for the first time ever?
So here’s what you are going to do.
Nothing.
Yeah, you read that right.
You are not going to immediately distract yourself (which only lowers the volume of the thoughts, but doesn’t completely silence them).
You’re not going to be down on yourself for allowing these thoughts to come up, that is not in your control.
And you are definitely not going to try and force yourself to think positive either.
You are going to stay right where you are and you are going to detach.
You are not going to look at these thoughts as you, but rather a manifestation of anxiety and completely separate from your true self.
In fact, don’t even refer to them as “my thoughts” because they are not yours.
What happens usually when a bad thought comes up is we start giving it attention.
This is exactly what your anxiety wants and the more attention we give it, the bigger and scarier they become as anxious-based thoughts feed on fear.
When we see ourselves as separate from our thoughts, observing with genuine curiosity, we slowly start starving them of fear and they have no choice but to retreat or move on.
I like the metaphor of seeing your thoughts as clouds drifting by, when I first started meditating.
You could try it right now.
Close your eyes and envision your mind as a blue sky as you take slow and deep breaths, counting one as you inhale and two as you exhale. Then count three as you inhale and four as you exhale until you reach ten, before starting over.
Counting your breaths is a great way to stay focused when you are trying to just breathe and ground yourself in the present. However, this doesn’t mean you aren’t going to think at all.
Those scary thoughts are still going to be popping in to say hi, and this is when you can envision them as clouds and simply watch them float by.
Our brain doesn’t linger on one thought for long, unless we give it that attention it doesn’t deserve.
No thought is worth our peace, not a single one.
Most of the time things in our lives are not nearly as complicated and impossible as we think. We have just given so much attention to fear-based thoughts that we are now deep in a dark spiral and we have put ourselves into a state of fight or flight, from our thoughts alone!
So all I want you to do is stop resisting and stop distracting.
All you’re doing is pushing it aside, but it will be there waiting for you when you try to relax.
The more you resist and distract, the more your brain goes hmmm, this seems serious if they don’t even want to acknowledge it and so your brain makes sure to file it away for a later date, whether that’s later tonight or any other time.
This lack of resistance means we feel everything at its most intense as we are allowing the feeling/thoughts to come in, but this is normal and you are actually letting your brain know that you are safe.
It may feel terrible initially and your thoughts may scare the heck out of you. You may feel tension in your body and little spikes of adrenaline, but let it come, feel it all.
Pay attention, get curious.
“Okay so I feel tension in my belly, let me try to release that now that I am aware of it.”
There’s nothing for you to do but just observe and take note.
As with anything, building self-awareness takes time and patience and practice.
You are not trying to be perfect, you are trying to be better.
Also, pay attention to your go-to distractions and see if you can do something different, once you have sat and taken some deep breaths, of course.
If you immediately jump up and turn the TV on, can you now, instead, sit in silence and take those deep breaths, observing your thoughts as clouds drifting by?
Then can you maybe try to get outside or do a few stretches or shake out your whole body to release adrenaline or sing or do something creative or fun that feels good in your body?
You’re letting your brain know you are safe by breathing and staying present and grounded.
You’re not, your thoughts are just telling you this and they are not to be trusted when they are coming from a place of fear.
Start trusting yourself more and remember that you have everything within you to build that self-awareness and confidence we all have.
Too often people tell me “I am struggling, but it’s fine, it’s okay, I will be fine.” I am guilty of this too, in fact.
You are allowed to acknowledge that where you may currently be sucks, without judging yourself or calling yourself negative. We have to feel it completely to move through it, we are not trying to bypass, that no longer works.
Allow yourself to feel uncomfortable, allow yourself to grow.
Sending so much love your way, I hope this resonates or at least makes you think.